I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.