Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Autocorrect completely socks
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My work here is don’t.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Venn
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin