reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime