friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
This guy gets it.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper