9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.