Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.