Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Safety first
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
no regrets
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Fluff me with a fork baby
the answer was staring at me all along