[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
This raises questions
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.