I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Boom, boom, ching!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.