My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat