Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏