if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Harsh but fair
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue