When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.