You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why