Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.