Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Hell yeah 👍
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.