The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.