On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man