*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
A friend helps you before you need it
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die