I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
get you a girl who
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not