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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.