<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Not today
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
saving face 👀
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling