[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Just say no
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket