my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
channeling her this year
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.