My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.