I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.