A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
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Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”