[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?