[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.