Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The best plant holders?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.