Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!