Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
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Going into Monday like
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i was baptized in a car wash
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?