I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
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“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?