The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.