*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”