The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Whoa 😂
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”