Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice