I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.