Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Do not steal food from the science building!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!