HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.