You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher