are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Breaking news:
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Said the murderer.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”