Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
what day is it?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.