Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now