I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
everyone has that one prude friend
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.