I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
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[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
British people be like I’m Bri ish
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit