If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….