You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.