Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
You Might Also Like
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.