[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
So that’s what we looked like?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.